Snow Melt Thoughts
My stupid little astrology app will tell me I am afraid of love and I’ll swipe it away
Wondering if that’s why I wanted you
I’ll make it my identity, backed by years of evidence
Headphones in ears and screaming in the other room
The most sporadic expert of compartmentalization you’ll never know
I’ll pretend it’s my power because that’s what Capricorns do
The sun will come out again and I will tell my friends as if they live underground
Hoping that it will coax out the flowers that like to grow across my skin
But April showers bring flash foods
And again I am drowning in a deranged stillness
Better that than the snow melt feelings that everyone tells me will begin to thaw when I leave
The ones that I was born with, frozen solid
For years, I didn’t know they were there until I started to hear dripping
At first, I was excited at the prospect of a newfound passion
But then the ice-cold water touched my skin
So frigid it burned
Now I’m terrified that this frozen fire will turn me to ashes and icicles
Turn me into something I would rather die than let you see
Yet when it keeps me up at night I wish you would tell me it’s ok
Hold me and let me cry as the runoff fills the streets
I could never ask for that
Not only would these ridiculed feelings be an imposition
But you seem happy without even the best of them
I wouldn’t know what to give you in return
Compensation for the moments the facade falls down
I don’t even know how to pay myself
I try to be gentle with this unmasked version of me
During our conversations, for the most part, I am
But she is shy and we don’t talk much
I think we both wish we didn’t have to at all
A seamless entity that understands every part of herself
That would be a wonderful thing
But instead, I am split between the parts of me that feel joy and sadness and want to fight
I’ll pretend you’ll never know me because I won’t
It’s terrifying
Destroying the parts of me I’m sure about to become something new
Brainstorming who I could be, like I’ve never been behind