Unexplainable

I can’t explain it,

It’s like trying to find one specific song…

Between angry and frustrated and sad and upset

I want it to be a part of every inch of my person

A song I want to dance to,

Something to move me.

A song to scream in my car.

A song that scratches that one specific itch,

Because every other song turns my brain to mush.

I want to move forward

I do.

I’m over dependency.

It’s boring.

I guess, this poem is my teenage moment.

I can’t explain it.

I’m standing still.

I’m dragging my feet.

I’m falling behind.

I really do want to move forward.

I want to be independent.

I can’t wait to scream about stuff no one else finds important,

And I can’t wait to show them all why it is.

I want it all to be real.

But that’s not how it feels.

I hope I don’t get left behind.

I hope I don’t lose my drive.

I’m ignoring it.

I’m stuck.

I can’t move.

I’m holding myself back.

I’m turning into mush.

God, I’m scared of being comfortable in dependency

But I’m also scared of leaving

I’ve always been scared of change

I wish I could explain it

It’s not the end yet.

I don’t need to say goodbye for another 12 months,

But

Things are coming to an almost end and I am being introduced to goodbyes.

I wish I could explain the fear and excitement and sadness and joy

But for now, I’m stuck looking for that perfect song.